Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
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Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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