Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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