can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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