Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
