I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
