I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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