Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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