my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
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