I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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