So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
