Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
