of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
