one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
