sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
