I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize