So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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