You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
