Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
