i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
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Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
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I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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