I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
