in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
