it hurts more in the daytime
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
