i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The feeling are messing with the penis
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
