I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
