is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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