i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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