im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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