She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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