shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize