____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You smell like stripper and shame
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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