Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
