Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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