Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
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Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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