I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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