dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
they need to just BURY HIM!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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