if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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