I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
