I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
