She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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