I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
