The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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