Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
