I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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