I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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