this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
