did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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