Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
