Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
