I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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