I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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