I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
