Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
