So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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