dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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